When Friendships Change – Jennifer Oaten
One of the most difficult situations we face as parents is when our daughters are unhappy because of friendship changes or conflict. It is also one of the hardest issues for us to resolve, and we want it resolved quickly.
A parent contacted me recently, upset because her daughter had been coming home in tears. She used the word bullying straight away. When I sat down with her Dean, and we talked through what had been happening, the picture was different. Two girls who had been close friends were struggling with a shift in their friendship. One had started spending more time with a new group. The other felt abandoned. Both had said hurtful things. Neither had more power than the other. Both needed support, but what was happening between them was a friendship change. It was real, and it mattered, but it was not bullying.
I hear versions of this conversation regularly. Parents reach for the word bullying because they want their daughter’s pain taken seriously. I understand that. Every parent wants their child to be happy and to feel safe. But the word matters. When we describe a friendship struggle as bullying, we can turn a situation that needs a conversation into something that feels like a formal process. We can also wear the word down. When a student is being genuinely bullied, repeatedly targeted by someone with power over her, that word needs to mean something.
Bullying is repeated, intentional behaviour. It is ongoing, it is targeted, and the person experiencing it feels unable to make it stop. That is what bullying is. It is important that we are clear about that, because sometimes the situations parents describe to me are not bullying. They are something else, and they need a different kind of help.
A National Focus On Bullying
The Australian Government launched its first national anti-bullying advertising campaign this month, backed by $10 million in funding. The campaign responds to the 2025 Anti-Bullying Rapid Review, which found that one in four students in Years 4 to 9 experience bullying regularly. Over half of young people have been bullied online, and reports of cyberbullying to the eSafety Commissioner rose by over 455 per cent between 2019 and 2024.
One in four means that in every classroom, there are students carrying something they may not be talking about.
Next week is Bullying No Way Week across Australian schools, with the theme “Small Acts, Big Impact.” With both happening in the same fortnight, parents will be hearing a lot about bullying. It is worth taking the time to understand what that looks like in practice.
Understanding The Difference
Three things make bullying different from other forms of conflict. The behaviour is repeated over time and involves a power imbalance, whether that is physical, social or psychological. It is intended to cause harm. If a situation does not involve all three, it may still be unkind, and it may still need attention, but the response should look different.
This is where it gets complicated for parents of girls. Girls are more likely to experience relational bullying, the kind that shows up as exclusion, gossip, manipulation of friendships and social isolation. Research has found that bullying can and does occur within friendships, which makes it harder again for parents to know what they are looking at.
A daughter who says she was left out of a group at lunch may be going through a normal and temporary shift in her friendships. She may also be describing a pattern of deliberate exclusion by someone with social power over her. The details matter. Parents are right to pay attention and right to ask questions before deciding what they are dealing with.
I also think about it from the other side. When a student is being genuinely bullied, she needs the adults around her to recognise it quickly and respond clearly. If the word has been used so often that it no longer signals urgency, we risk being slower to act when it counts most. That student deserves better from all of us.
Friendship conflict is a normal part of adolescence. That does not make it easy, and I would never suggest that a parent dismiss it. But disagreements, shifting friend groups and moments of unkindness are how young people learn to set boundaries, to resolve things, to apologise and to choose friendships that are good for them. A student who never has to navigate a difficult friendship moment at school misses the chance to build those skills. That is why we take friendship conflicts seriously at Santa Maria, even when it is not bullying.
What This Looks Like At Santa Maria
We do not leave this to chance. Friendship skills, conflict resolution and bystander awareness are all part of our Mercy Wellbeing Learning Continuum, taught from Year 5 through to Year 12.
Some of the most valuable work happens in Pastoral Care Time. In Years 5 and 6, students spend specific sessions exploring what healthy friendships look like and practising what to do when things go wrong. Our College Psychologists are in classrooms running sessions on solving conflicts and managing emotions.
By Year 9, students work through anti-bullying material and the role of bystanders, alongside inclusivity and how to resolve disagreements well. I see the effect of this work when senior students handle a disagreement with a friend calmly and respectfully, without needing an adult to step in. That does not happen by accident.
Our Mental Health Strategy puts prevention first. Our psychologists spend more of their time running group programs and Pastoral Care Time sessions than responding to crises. That is a deliberate choice.
So is our approach to devices. Smartphones are not permitted at school for students in Years 5, 6 and 7, and 96 per cent of our Year 5 parents supported this position at Orientation. Students in Years 5 and 6 can bring a basic phone or a smart watch, but these are handed to their teacher on arrival and returned at the end of the day. For Years 7 to 12, phones and smart watches stay locked in lockers from arrival until 3.20 pm.
Social media platforms, streaming services and online shopping are all blocked on student laptops, whether they are used at school or at home. The laptop is provided for learning, and the filtering reflects that. This aims to reduce online communication during the school day on school laptops. There are also restrictions at home.
When a parent calls with a concern, we take it seriously. Always. If the situation is a friendship conflict, we work through it with conversation and sometimes mediation. If it is bullying, the school acts with clear consequences and structured support for the student who has been harmed, and we follow up to make sure it has stopped.
What Parents Can Do
Families cannot prevent every difficult social experience. But they can build the conditions that help a daughter respond well and ask for help when she needs it.
Some practical ways families can help include:
- Listen before you label. When your daughter comes home upset about a friendship issue, ask her what happened, how long it has been going on, whether she feels she can stand up for herself and whether the same person is involved each time. These questions help you understand whether this is a conflict or something more serious. Resist the urge to name it before you have heard the full picture.
- Help her build the skills to work through conflict. Talk about how to have a difficult conversation with a friend, how to set a boundary respectfully and how to recognise when a friendship is no longer good for her. Shared meals, regular time without devices and open conversation about friendships and belonging all create the space for this. Encourage her to try resolving smaller issues herself, while making it clear she should always tell someone if she feels unsafe or the behaviour keeps happening.
- Watch for signs that something deeper is happening. Changes in mood, reluctance to go to school, withdrawal from activities she used to enjoy, or becoming vague when you ask about her friends. Trust your instincts. If something feels different, it probably is.
- Contact the school early. If you are worried, do not wait. Speak with your daughter’s Homeroom teacher, her Dean of Year or our College Psychologists. If the situation involves online behaviour, the eSafety Commissioner and Bullying No Way websites have practical guidance. Australia’s social media age restrictions exist for good reason, and keeping your daughter off social media until she is 16 is one of the most practical steps you can take to reduce her exposure to online bullying. If the difficulty is persistent or accompanied by anxiety or depression, seek support from your GP or an external provider.
Every young person deserves to feel safe at school. As parents, the most helpful thing we can do is pay attention, ask the right questions and know when to pick up the phone.
- bullying prevention, conflict resolution, Featued, Featured, friendship conflict and bullying, girls friendships, healthy friendships, Mercy Wellbeing, parent wellbeing advice, relational bullying in girls, Santa Maria College, Student Wellbeing
Author: Santa Maria College
Santa Maria College is a vibrant girls school with a growing local presence and reputation. Our Mission is to educate young Mercy women who act with courage and compassion to enrich our world. Santa Maria College is located in Attadale in Western Australia, 16 km from the Perth CBD. We offer a Catholic education for girls in Years 5 – 12 and have 1300 students, including 152 boarders.
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