Helping Girls Navigate Friendship Fires
Your daughter comes home in tears. “My friends left me out at lunch.” It is hard not to step in, fix it, or feel upset yourself. Friendship challenges can be confusing and emotional for everyone involved. At Santa Maria College, we understand these moments deeply. They are part of growing up, but they do not have to be faced alone.
In today’s hyper-connected world, unkind behaviour can happen anywhere, from the classroom to the world of social media. We know our girls face these challenges and we don’t pretend otherwise. Rather than ignore this fact, we take a proactive and honest approach to fostering a safe, supportive environment. Here, every student is equipped with the skills and language to manage conflict.
Understanding the Difference: Rude, Mean or Bullying?
Not all hurtful behaviour is bullying. By clearly defining what is rude, mean or bullying, we help can formulate an effective response.
- Rude: Saying or doing something hurtful unintentionally.
- Mean: Purposeful, hurtful behaviour that happens once or twice.
- Bullying: Repeated, intentional aggression involving a power imbalance.
Understanding this distinction is essential. At Santa Maria, all unkind behaviour is addressed. Bullying requires adult intervention to protect the student being targeted. In contrast, rude or mean behaviour presents can present a learning opportunity. Staff will absolutely step in if adult interaction is required, but rude or mean interactions can also be an important learning opportunity. When appropriate, the student on the receiving end can be supported to speak up and set boundaries using practical strategies. Meanwhile, the student displaying the unacceptable behaviour is guided to reflect on their actions and meet our expectations of respectful and compassionate interactions.
Building Skills When They Are Needed
We embed friendship and communication skills throughout the middle years when we know friendship challenges are developmentally common:
- Years 5 and 6: Students participate in the URStrong program, which introduces shared language for healthy friendships.
- Year 7: A two-day workshop builds on this foundation with concepts like ‘friendship fires’ and ‘mean-on-purpose’ behaviour. Phrases like “that is not cool” or “we do not do that here” empower girls to address poor behaviour early.
- Year 8: PCT sessions to focus on communication skills, refresh GIVE and DEERS. Guest speakers that discuss how to build resilience.
- Year 9: The ‘Reason for Being’ program adds depth through role-play and reflection, strengthening empathy, respect and conflict resolution skills.
Real-World Tools and Visible Values
Our College Psychologists have developed tailored communication tools. The GIVE and DEERS frameworks, displayed in classrooms, revisited in PCT homeroom and lessons with a group work focus, support behavioural expectations and restorative conversations.
Student-led Mental Health Ambassadors also promote kindness and inclusion, leading peer education and modelling respectful interactions.
How Parents Can Offer Support at Home
We believe that healthy friendships start with strong foundations at home. Here are some simple ways you can help your daughter navigate friendship ups and downs with confidence:
- Talk the Talk
Use the same language your daughter is learning at school. Terms like “friendship fires”, “mean-on-purpose”, and tools like GIVE and DEERS help create shared understanding. Ask her what these mean to her and how she uses them. - Encourage your daughter to speak up
Remind your daughter that disagreements are a normal part of growing up. What matters is how we respond. Help her see conflict as a chance to practise resilience and assertiveness with the tools she has learned. - Role-Play Responses
If your daughter is unsure how to respond to hurtful behaviour, practise together. Simple phrases like “That is not OK with me” or “I need some space” can go a long way. The more she practises, the more natural it will feel. - Avoid Taking Over
It can be tempting to step in and fix things, but giving your daughter space to work through challenges builds independence. Instead, coach her through her options and encourage problem-solving. - Stay Curious, Not Critical
When your daughter shares something difficult, try to listen without judgement. A calm, curious approach creates a safe space for her to open up. Avoid jumping straight to solutions. Sometimes she just needs to feel heard. - Reach Out if You are Worried
If something feels bigger than a typical friendship hiccup, you do not have to manage it alone. Reach out to your daughter’s Dean or the Deputy Principal of Pastoral Care. We are here to support you both. - Model Healthy Relationships
Model healthy social relationships that are based on kindness and non-judgement. Let your kids overhear you ‘speaking up’ someone behind their back. - Facilitate Friendships
Facilitate friendships from across a variety of settings, like school, sporting or different interest clubs.
Want to Learn More?
Our Wellness Connect hub offers extra resources to support both you and your daughter through friendship challenges:
- Parent Resource: Peer Conflict – How to Help Your Child
Understand the differences between peer conflict and bullying, and explore practical steps for supporting your child. - Student Resource: I’m Having Friendship Problems
A student-friendly page that empowers girls to reflect, get support, and take action when friendship fires happen.
These resources reinforce the language and strategies your daughter is learning at school, and strengthen the home-school partnership in supporting her wellbeing.
A Culture of Belonging
Belonging is at the heart of everything we do. There are many ways a student can find the palce they belong within the College – the co-curricular program is an excellent place to find peers with similar interest. Through both our Diversity and Inclusion and Mental Health Strategies we continue to foster empathy, compassion and acceptance of self and others within and across year groups. We know that when girls feel safe, seen and supported, they are more confident in themselves and kinder to others.
Rather than simply responding to poor behaviour, we actively strive to shape a culture where every girl knows she belongs, no matter who she is or who she sits with at lunch.
Final Word for Parents
Friendship challenges and conflict are part of growing up. Rather than excusing these behaviours, we focus on equipping girls with the language, support and strategies to handle these moments with confidence and to expect the respect every person deserves.
If you have concerns about your daughter’s wellbeing or social experiences, please contact her Dean of Students or the Deputy Principal of Pastoral Care. Together, we can help her thrive.
Danielle Spark | Deputy Principal, Pastoral Care
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Author: Santa Maria College
Santa Maria College is a vibrant girls school with a growing local presence and reputation. Our Mission is to educate young Mercy women who act with courage and compassion to enrich our world. Santa Maria College is located in Attadale in Western Australia, 16 km from the Perth CBD. We offer a Catholic education for girls in Years 5 – 12 and have 1300 students, including 152 boarders.
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