It Is OK To Say No – Jennifer Oaten
As a mother of two, I know how hard it can be to say no, whether it is to a tired child asking for another late-night screen session or to the countless requests that come with school, sport and social life. I also know how quickly ‘yes’ can lead to stress, for them and for us. Learning to set boundaries is one of the most powerful lessons I have discovered, both as a parent and as a principal. It is not always easy, but it is always worthwhile.
Key Points
Saying no is a life skill that builds self-respect, confidence and emotional resilience.
When parents model boundaries, girls feel empowered to set their own.
Explaining the “why” behind limits builds trust and shows love, not control.
Guiding with Love and Limits
We often teach our young people to be kind, considerate and helpful, and rightly so. However, if we are not careful, we risk sending an unspoken message that to be accepted means saying yes to everything, even when it comes at a cost to our own wellbeing.
The truth is, there is great strength in saying no.
- Saying no to things that do not feel right.
- Saying no to overcommitment.
- Saying no to protect your peace.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is not about being rude or selfish. It is about building self-awareness, confidence and resilience. For many girls, this does not come naturally. They may feel pressure to please, fear disappointing others, or simply not want to make waves.
But here is the catch: constantly saying yes to everyone else often means saying no to themselves.
The Cost of Always Saying Yes
More than ever, young people are feeling overwhelmed. From schoolwork and co-curricular activities to social commitments and the constant pull of digital life, their days are too full, and so are their minds. Saying yes to every opportunity might sound admirable, but without boundaries, it can lead to exhaustion, anxiety and burnout.
As educators and parents, we need to shift the narrative. Being busy should not be a badge of honour. Nor should self-sacrifice be mistaken for strength.
Boundaries Are a Life Skill
Healthy boundaries are a sign of self-respect. They help girls make decisions based on their values, their time and their energy. They also allow space for what really matters: connection, creativity, purpose and rest.
Boundaries might sound like:
- “I cannot help with that right now, but I hope it goes well.”
- “I need some time to recharge tonight.”
- “Thank you for the invite, but I have other commitments”
Simple, polite and firm.
Teaching our girls to use their voice in this way is empowering. When they see adults doing the same thing, such as declining requests without guilt, prioritising rest, and saying no with grace, they learn that boundaries are not only allowed, they are respected.
The Necessity of Saying No
Dr Carl E Pickhardt, a psychologist specialising in adolescent development, explains that no is a powerful, limit-setting word that protects personal wellbeing in relationships. He writes, “Without the capacity to say ‘no,’ a young person’s wellbeing can be unguarded.” Saying no is not always easy, but it is often necessary. It helps young people stay true to their values, even in the face of peer pressure or high expectations.
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Parents Saying No Matters Too
Our daughters learn a great deal from watching us. When parents model healthy boundaries by confidently saying no, whether to overwork, social obligations or even to their children, they are demonstrating what it means to value personal time, energy and wellbeing.
As children grow into adolescence, they still need boundaries, but those boundaries begin to look different. They are less about strict rules and more about mutual respect, clear expectations and open communication.
Saying no to a teenager does not mean shutting them down. It means guiding them with clarity, consistency and care. It shows them that limits are not about control but about trust, safety and love.
Adolescents are learning to navigate peer pressure, time management and emotional awareness. When parents are willing to say no with empathy and explanation, they are helping their children build the skills to manage disappointment, make thoughtful decisions and develop resilience.
As both a parent and an educator, I know firsthand how challenging it can be to set boundaries with adolescents. Saying no is not always easy, especially when we want to protect our relationship or avoid conflict. But over the years, I have seen how important it is to hold firm with love. The conversations that follow are not always comfortable, but they are often the most meaningful.
By setting limits and modelling boundaries in everyday life, parents are teaching their daughters that saying no is not a rejection. It is an act of self-respect and care, and an essential part of healthy relationships.
Saying No Creates Space to Say Yes
Saying no does not close doors. It opens space. Space to say yes to the things that truly align with who they are. Yes to rest. Yes to creativity. Yes to time with family. Yes to simply being a teenager.
When girls understand that they do not need to explain, justify or apologise for their boundaries, they begin to trust themselves more deeply.
How We Can Help
We aim to create a culture where students feel safe to express their needs and take ownership of their time. We encourage open conversations about feeling overwhelmed and how to manage wellbeing. But the support of families is essential.
Parents can help by:
- Normalising rest: Not every minute needs to be productive.
- Celebrating courage: Especially when a girl says no to something that does not serve her.
- Modelling balance: By setting boundaries yourselves.
Let us remind our girls that being kind does not mean being available all the time. That being generous does not mean giving until there is nothing left. And that sometimes, the most powerful thing they can say is a gentle but firm no.
Because that little word is not negative. It is strong, it is wise, and it might just be the most important self-care strategy they ever learn.
- boundaries, Emotional Resilience, Featured, Parenting, parenting teen girls, saying no without guilt
Author: Santa Maria College
Santa Maria College is a vibrant girls school with a growing local presence and reputation. Our Mission is to educate young Mercy women who act with courage and compassion to enrich our world. Santa Maria College is located in Attadale in Western Australia, 16 km from the Perth CBD. We offer a Catholic education for girls in Years 5 – 12 and have 1300 students, including 152 boarders.
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