Not Every Girl Needs to Be a Leader – Jennifer Oaten
I was not the loud girl at school. I was not the one with her hand up first, not the one chosen for the speeches, not the one whose name was read out in assembly. I was quiet, I was thoughtful, and for most of my schooling, I would have described myself as someone who was doing fine without needing to be noticed.
I am now the Principal of Santa Maria College. I lead a community of more than 1,300 students and over 200 staff. I speak in public most weeks. None of that was visible in me at fifteen.
I share this because I want to say something to the parents of the quiet daughters, the reserved daughters, the ones who are the quiet, considered students. Your daughter is not missing something. She may simply be growing the way I did, slowly and in her own time.
The Pressure We Have Built
Schools have become very good at offering leadership opportunities to girls. At Santa Maria, that is something I am proud of. There are many leadership opportunities open to our students, whether through the Student Leadership Council or through the wide range of roles in sport, the arts, and other co-curricular activities. Girls in single-sex schools have access to twice the leadership opportunities of those in co-educational settings, because every role is filled by a girl. That is a genuine advantage and one of the arguments for an all-girls education.
The unintended consequence is that some families have started to read this abundance of leadership opportunities as an expectation. If the opportunities are there, surely my daughter should be taking them. If she is not, something must be wrong with her. Or with us.
Susan Cain, whose work on introversion has shaped how many educators now think, has observed something similar in the schools she has visited. Leadership, she noticed, had become a buzzword. Children who did not naturally seek the spotlight were quietly being made to feel inadequate. Her point was not that schools should stop developing leaders. It was that we had collapsed leadership into a personality type, and we had stopped noticing the children whose contributions looked different.
I recognise myself in what she describes. I also recognise a number of the girls I see at school.
The Girls You Might Not Notice
There are students in our school who will never run for leadership and who will go on to live deeply purposeful, influential lives. The Year 7 who quietly checks on the new student each day. The Year 10, who is the steady anchor in her friendship group, the one her friends turn to when something has gone wrong. The Year 11 working on her photography portfolio at lunchtime instead of attending committee meetings. The Year 12 who has chosen to put her energy into her studies.
These girls are not lesser. They are not waiting to be developed into something more. They are already contributing in the ways that come naturally to them, and we should be careful before we suggest otherwise.
Adam Grant, a professor at Wharton, has spent years researching what makes leaders effective in the workplace. His findings, published in the Harvard Business Review, complicate the assumption that extroverts make the best leaders. When managing capable, proactive teams, introverts often outperform extroverts because they listen more, dominate less, and let other people’s ideas come forward. The girl who is not the loudest voice in the room at fifteen may well be exactly the leader her team needs at thirty.
I think about that finding often. It describes the leadership style I eventually grew into, and the leadership style I see in many of the women I most admire.
What Adolescent Girls Are Already Carrying
There is a particular pressure on capable girls right now. Australian research on adolescent wellbeing has consistently shown that girls in their early teen years are juggling a sharp drop in confidence with a sharp rise in self-criticism. Plan International Australia‘s survey of more than 2,000 Australian girls and young women found that while half of 10 to 12 year olds described themselves as brave, this dropped to 28 per cent by age 17, and just 18 per cent among young women in their early twenties. Add the expectation that girls should also be visible leaders, and we are loading something heavy onto shoulders that are still growing.
Some girls thrive under that load. They genuinely want to lead, they enjoy the visibility, and the role stretches them in ways they need. For these girls, leadership opportunities are a gift, and I will always encourage them to apply.
Other girls do not want it. A girl who is nudged into a leadership role she did not seek often experiences it as exposure rather than growth. She may meet the demands of the position, she may even do it well, but at the cost of her wellbeing or neglecting her other passions or interests.
What Leadership Actually Looks Like
What we are actually trying to develop, in any good school, is character. We want our students to have confidence in the right places and the awareness to know when listening is a better contribution than speaking. A girl who has these things does not need a title to demonstrate them.
It is also worth saying that leadership in adult life rarely looks like school leadership. The women I know who lead organisations, run businesses, raise families, contribute to their communities, almost none of them did so because they were a leader in Year 12. Many were quiet at school. Some did not find their voice until university or beyond. Their leadership grew out of experience, relationships and expertise.
What You Can Do as a Parent
Notice what your daughter is already contributing. Before you worry about what role she is not in, look at where she is showing up. Is she a steady friend, a reliable team member, a determined student in one or two subjects? These things count.
Resist comparing her to other girls. The daughter of your friend may be a leader. Yours may not be. This is not a failure. Children are different, and the path to a flourishing adulthood is much wider than just leadership.
Check whose ambition is in the room. Sometimes, the pressure to take on a role comes more from us as parents than from our daughters. Ask yourself whether you want the badge for her, or whether she wants it for herself.
Support depth as much as breadth. A girl who is deeply engaged in one or two pursuits, music, science, sport, art, service and friendships, is developing something valuable. Depth is its own preparation for leadership later.
Trust the long view. Confidence and influence often grow late, especially in girls who are more reflective by nature. The quiet daughter you have at fifteen may surprise you at twenty-five.
A Final Thought
If you had asked anyone at my school whether I would one day lead a community of more than a thousand young women, I doubt the question would have made sense to them. I was not on that trajectory, at least not visibly. What I was doing was paying attention, doing the work, and quietly learning who I was. The leadership came later, when I had something to lead with.
I want every Santa Maria student to leave us with a strong sense of who she is, what she values, and what she is capable of. For some, that will include holding a leadership position, and we will be proud of them. For others, it will look different. They will leave us knowing how to think, how to work hard, how to be a good friend, how to care and how to recognise their own worth.
Both paths produce remarkable young women.
The question parents need to ask is not whether their daughter is a leader. The question is whether she is becoming herself, and whether she is doing it with integrity and care for the people around her. If the answer is yes, she is exactly where she needs to be.
- adolescent girls confidence, all girls school, Featued, Featured, Girls' Education, introverted students, parenting daughters, quiet girls at school, Santa Maria College, school leadership, student leadership opportunities, Student Wellbeing
Author: Santa Maria College
Santa Maria College is a vibrant girls school with a growing local presence and reputation. Our Mission is to educate young Mercy women who act with courage and compassion to enrich our world. Santa Maria College is located in Attadale in Western Australia, 16 km from the Perth CBD. We offer a Catholic education for girls in Years 5 – 12 and have 1300 students, including 152 boarders.
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