Supporting My Grieving Child

A young person might experience grief with the loss of a loved one, a pet, a known character or famous personality or even the loss of the family home, or changes in living situations, family separation, or loss of a friendship. 

Grief is not an everyday emotion, and this may be the first time your child is encountering this feeling – making it all the more important that we provide them some guidance through this experience. Young people may feel shock or disbelief, anger or resentment, or feelings of unfairness, guilt (eg, that they are alive and the loved one isn’t), anxiety about their future, and sadness and longing. 

The key tip is to express acceptance and validate any emotion your child may experience. It’s okay if they cry, don’t cry, feel angry, guilty, anxious or worried (provided each are expressed in healthy ways). We used to think grief came in stages where we would basically feel intense feelings initially, then after a few weeks or months – feel ok. Now we think grief actually comes in waves. We might feel numb at first and even be surprised that we don’t feel upset for days or weeks. Then we might cry uncontrollably, then be laughing the next day, then not think about our loss for months, then suddenly start crying at the grocery store.

Other quick tips include:

  • Acknowledge the young person’s loss and the need to take time to grieve.
  • Use direct language like “has died” or “is dying”. Phrases like “passed on”, “in a better place” or “we lost Grandma” are well-intentioned to soften the blow of death but have actually been found to compound grief with stress and confusion and impede open communication and understanding. 
  • Maintain routines (including school, friendships and enjoyable recreational activities). Keep things as familiar as you can, minimising unnecessary changes. 
  • Involve your child in decisions that impact them wherever possible. Withholding information from young people (often in an attempt to protect them) can create distrust, confusion and anxiety.
  • Suggest and support the young person to gather memories and stories of the loved one (eg, through talking, writing, journalling, collecting photos etc). 
  • Anticipate times that could be difficult (such as birthdays, anniversaries etc) and make a plan for these. 
  • Let the College know (via your child’s Dean) so that we can wrap around them in an appropriate way. 

 

Early experiences of grief may prompt big existential thoughts like “What happens when we die?” “Am I going to die?” “Are my parents going to die?”. Don’t be afraid to answer honestly (eg, “I don’t know, but whatever happens, we are in it together”) and encourage them that they can always talk to you and ask any questions they have. 

Of course, supporting your child may be complicated in the case where you are also grieving. Children will look to you for what to do with their own big feelings. Lead by example by naming your feelings and expressing them in healthy ways (eg, crying, writing letters together for/about the loved one, talking about the loved one). 

There are lots of resources online for supporting grieving young people. 

  • Kidshelpline has a great quick tip sheet.
  • Dougy Centre has podcasts, activities and personal stories for children and teens, as well as further support for parents. 
  • Anglicare has a fantastic list of readings and videos for both children, and teens on death and loss (note: this webpage sits within their ‘suicide support resources’ but for the most part, the links relate to death more broadly). 
  • There are also wonderful resources and programs run through Wombat’s Wish and Feel The Magic. 

For children and young people experiencing family separation, see:

 

It can be normal for young people to experience difficulty concentrating, and changes in appetite and sleep in response to loss. There’s also no time limit on the experience of grief. However, if these symptoms persist for weeks or months, or if your child has trouble resuming normal daily activities (such as going to school, sleeping regularly), please refer to us for more support, or see the list of external support services on our main page.

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